April Mansilla

Snow Globe

2012-01-13T11:52:00.000-08:00

This last February, I am certain if you put your hand over my heart, you would have felt how fragile I was, frail as fresh paper-thin ice stretching her delicate body across the upheaval of bitter, tumultuous water.
I am certain on Valentine’s Day if you kept the pressure of your hand there, you would have felt the first crack.
Have you ever been in unconditional love?
If so, you will understand why the water broke free and why I ran with tears exploding from my eyes.
I remember vividly both of my children’s first snowfalls, in my arms, their plump hands reached out, they owned wide smiles, and absolute wonderment in their eyes, as did I watching them. Like that moment, everything they did was enchanting, from first steps, to first words. Trapped inside a perfect snow globe world, I thought nothing could pierce the thick shell of happiness we shared.
But by my own hands...
My careless hands...
I
Crashed.
For two years, I was barren, rotting under a thick sheet of indifference. But, on February 14th, 2011, while on my thirty-minute “hospital grounds only” walk, a vehement rage broke free. I walked off the grounds with wild eyes and my red jacket flung open; I was going to see them, no matter the distance.
Burning with fierce determination, I walked through dirty slush and declining snow .Cars raced passed me, I imagined everyone to be in a hurry to get to someone they loved, as was I.
But then I turned a familiar corner and my aggressive strides began to falter.
Truth is,
I had nowhere to go.
Now instead of rage, two-years of my trapped sorrow filled my lungs and escaped through my eyes.
Shaking and shriving, I turned around disoriented in the street and stumbled back.
And on February 14th 2011, a day meant for adoration, I did not receive any love letters, colourful cards, or little arms embracing me, I only received a certificate of involuntary admission, with the reason stated ,
“You are suffering from a mental disorder of a nature or quality that will likely result in serious bodily harm to yourself”
When asked why I left,
I hung my head and answered,
“I just want to go home”
I walked into my assigned room, sat on the bed and watched snow whirl outside my window. There I made a promise so resilient, not even, I would be able to break it, and for many more months within my melancholy snow globe, I thought of nothing else.
With that promise, I began to heal, began to witness beauty flourish around me, within me.
And on July 5th, 2011, I was discharged into warm summertime air.
I am certain now, if you put your hand on my heart and looked into my eyes you would feel the promise I made
for Love.

Ladies and gentlemen I have a cure for the great depression step right up

2011-12-08T03:42:00.000-08:00

Now that I have your attention I can tell you I am one hell of a liar

but if you read through my depression I swear you will see my joy and p.s. my fingers are not crossed

So here it goes

I had an affirmation I was alive today and it held my breath as I raced home....

Because the night before thoughts cycled as I looked at my reflection
And I looked at her
She is me and not me
Not again
Please not again
I reason with her
Bet there is no
Reasoning
No please
No I will give you this and yes that
If you just spare me
The depression never plays fair
because it wants
EVERYTING YOU HAVE.

An I try not to think of that look I just saw in the mirror
But
I still see it even with
my eyes shut
but still I beg and bargain
I beg tears not to fall

And breathe in weighted and say over in my mind

Don’t cry tonight
Be strong
Don’t buckle at the knees
I repeat this and a million more
Things
And I know they don’t sound like prayers
But everything is a plea as soon as that
“Look” comes back

I gaze out the window and fiddle with my hands

And think of all days I feel so desperate but
I can’t say any of this
Because I am all
Better?

So I drink the rest of my tea and say
“don’t cry tonight”
Don’t cry baby
Just lie down
And find your
Still
I take my pills drift off
Ask many why me questions
As I
Wind
Down
Like
A music box doll...

It is not easy this disease
(Fucking God damn Understatement of the century)
And if anyone knew how hard the battle was maybe they would take it easier on you
Maybe the lady in the market wouldn’t act so snide when you forget to say hello at the cash
Because all day you had to keep away thoughts from killing yourself
And the meds are so hard they make you sick and spaced out
And loved ones would understand why you don’t want to go out for days
Weeks
months
And stay by your side...
Or just bring coffee and say hello
How are you
(Now that isn’t so fucking hard is it)
Because so many of us die from this illness
ALONE.
And
just because (for the most part) the wounds do not show
Know this
the insides are a bloody pulp
(mostly the heart)

It’s not your fault...it is the disease talking again not me...

But there are no answers and I know this
And my nails are chewed down as far as they can go
And my mouth is full of scars from biting the insides of
Cheeks so I don’t say things I will regret
(Oh too late for that)
And my brain
well now
on x-rays
it is perfect of course
(sarcastic smile)
But what the x-rays doesn’t show
Is how
I keep reeling in terms of yesterday if I only had
Yesterday back
But yesterday is so far away
The time when I used to believe in magic
Running fast
And laughing hard

It is getting cold
I almost saw my breath
Or is that the ghost of my remains escaping
Whatever it was I caught it
Because I fight every day to not fall apart

Want to know the cure
there isn’t one but today...

I walked home missing a few steps
As light as air
(How is this possible?)
That just for a moment the veil of melancholy was lifted
To let me know I was capable of being whole...
And I raced home more rapidly so as not to forget and write down I just had an affirmation I was
Still
ALIVE
To read on the days the sadness comes back
Alive to see the grass that wavered but didn’t fall in the cool end of summer wind
Alive in the way the sun blinded me
and as I closed my eyes for a moment
Yes
It was in fact still lighting me up
It was there in the leaves that the rays passed through and turned them into stained glass
These
all my affirmations of life
And that even though I was alone....
I felt surrounded by a million beautiful things

(See I told you so I am not always so depressing)

And now I have the answer to one why me question...

So I can give
Another
Hope
If nothing else
That I will smile at you in the market or anywhere else when I see you are having
Those days
Months
Years
Because I know who you are the minute I see your eyes
Because you are my reflection and I yours
That I will keep
Fighting
And I hope this
For you too....

And we might never find a cure but I hope for you moments of happiness
I hope fore you
With my eyes towards the sun

My House of Cards- Raising Funds and Awareness for a cause close to my heart

2011-02-01T04:47:00.000-08:00

November 15 2009 I was admitted to the hospital under psychosis, it took me this year just to get back on my feet and still everyday is a struggle .

I decided to help deal with my recovery that I would finish the sketches I did when I was an in patient by adding life/colour.

As well by adding life I will be donating half the money to the hospital.As an inpatient my whole world felt like it was ending ,the mental pain was too much for one to handle but everyday it was made better by the staff there, simple things encouraging me to draw,sharpening my pencil or the one day some of the staff went on search for a white eraser for me,or by just watching me work then asking me what my drawing meant . what I appreciated the most was when my children visited then left, they would tell me how strong I was by not by not losing it and crying in front of them and after they would just sit and talk and calm all the tears with comfort saying I will be able to be a good mother again ..and I would go on to become healthy I just have to keep trying ...

I am an out patient now and the care I am still given is exceptional,I am still trying ,still getting healthier everyday

they gave me so much but most of all hope.

$350 original-14"x17",$20 prints 8.5"x11 on acid free paper hand painted in gold areas to look as close to the original as possible,$5 cards -7"x5" with print insert again painted in gold areas(safe packing covered by myself shipping extra depending on area) , with half the money I will be donating to psychiatric hospital that helped me to live again and continues to do so

for more images follow this link

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=165283&id=667229187

I dissipate some days like paint washing out in water

2010-09-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

I fall in Love with things.

I have always had a thing for weeping willows, you know they just put out there how lonely they are, no disguise or brightly coloured leaves. They are what they have always been; weeping. It started to rain today as one touched my head with her long arms; I felt my heart beat for a half a second in this moment.

The show must go on, even in the dark.

I have learned to put on a good show so no one would guess how melancholy I am, even my Doctor says I have almost perfected the mannerisms of sanity. I have a wide smile and stars in my eyes, falsely lit by a pharmacy of help .it is when I am alone that I can’t hide the solitary flaws. I dress in down set eyes and a black sweater that wraps around me like night. I counted the holes in it today, it’s becoming thread bare and eaten by days of wearing it in sadness .I have nothing to replace it …nothing that fits like this.

I am terrified of November.

I am shutting down when I know I should be getting stronger , watching leaves let go and the wet ground seep though my shoes. There is nothing I can do but wait, wait for the worst date in my life to pass, so I can be free of it. I want to see and feel the first snowfall outside this year. I don’t want to be a living snow globe trapped in a world I can’t touch.

I believed in Santa Claus until I was twelve, almost thirteen and after that I pretended.

They told me I would really come know what happiness is, they sold me that and I desperately bought into it .Now everything they said a year ago seems likes a lie. Everything of my 33 years seems like a lie except for a few untouchable things.” You were never well” they tell me .So have I have been in Love? Have I never felt alive? Is that scar on my left knee even real?

I use my pill bottles as maracas, shake-a shake-a cha cha cha

I take two and a half pills in the morning, five and a half at night, next week they will add more. I wiped drool from my mouth as I spoke two days ago but the fact is they still can’t get the nightmares to stop. They can’t stop the corridors mind from hearing words or thinking of paintings that still live dancing down those halls saying “pick me “pick me”.

Cages make heart sink to my knees, chin quiver and pace in defiance.

They can’t tell me I don’t feel like a caged animal. They can’t tell me those feeling are not real .they can’t tell me what is real? They can’t fucking CHOOSE what is real? I close my eyes and that reality is so much better, then I open and it’s a war zone and my hands are weapons .how difficult it is to live when your hands are weapons. I can decorate them like everything else in my life but this is the fact of fates. Ugly and beautiful, beautiful and ugly. Then I question maybe my life is better in another’s hands before I become extinct?

And they will say” lordy lordy hallelujah she finally got her fireworks”

They send me to a class to help my behaviour .At 11 it is break time and I shuffle down the hall alone, I don’t feel the need to make friends here, anywhere? Thoughts go over in my head about the patients in class promoting shock therapy (yes it still does exist) and how they lost their memories to it. They have lost pieces that should have made them who they are but they chose to lose them because of the cruelty of depression. I would never choose this unless it is chosen for me… When I am alone I can cry about all this either in hysterics in my car or in slowly carved trails down my face in perfect quiet, salt filling in the cracks in my lips.

If my hands would say still I could bite my nails proper.

November 15th to be exact. I have never been one for dates but this one is solidified. I wrote in a book in the madhouse you have two choices up or down, but I want so badly to reach the middle? I want to be sane enough so my hands cease shaking as I write theses lines. I stood in the hall there and thought random thoughts like god the paint colour is tacky and others I won’t care to mention .for a moment no one passed and it was hush, still, perfect .I looked outside and my stomach hurt .I wanted to scream so loud that the windows broke but I carried on listening to my footsteps echo.

A woman spoke as she sat close to me “with eyes like that you must see world with such beauty”

Yesterday I tilted my head up to the sun .it made my heart rattle and the corners of my mouth curl up “ah it is still there “I said as I placed my hand on my chest. When night came I looked to the stars and thought of the million things that go though my blood each and every second, the million and one things still left to live, breathe and love within my skin .I am of no exception, to anyone else (beside I am half mad of course) I want to find my place in this world. I want to see the stars align.

And

I still have great expectations that travel between vermillion and Prussian blue

Hunger

2010-04-25T17:14:00.001-07:00

Here take
It
I want you
To own
Everything…
Stain your
Flesh
With my crimson
Lips
Pull me by the
Wrists
The ankles
Anything…
Put my hands
Over
The parts she didn’t love
But
That I always will
Kiss
My hurried breath
Damp skin
And parted legs
My eyes
Will
Adore
You
As if you
Were
The raging sea…
I need you to
Own
Everything
The madness
The days
I beg for mercy
In return
I
Give you
All of who I am
Anything…
When my stomach aches
And I beg
On
My
Knees…
Only
Feed me
Scraps
Of
Who I used to be
To keep
Me here
Half alive
My
Infinite
Love

Love

2010-04-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

I awoke this morning
And knew this world would be different
Changed,
That the sky just a shade bluer
And love a shade truer
Because I finally feel
That everything I wanted
Cannot be touched
But only felt
Within me
And this life I was given
Is an infinite gift.

Red

2010-02-19T06:23:00.001-08:00

Breathe
In
To
Me
Make
Believe
A lust
Filled
Kiss
Like the ones in childhood
Tell me the
Depression
Won’t
Cling to me
Like my favorite dress
Ripping
The seams
Of
Everything….
I want
To laugh again
Hard
Like when my knees
Are touched
Hard enough
To cry
Mercy
For a
Different reason
Than now

A Season Of Blue

2010-02-15T16:53:00.000-08:00

It should be simple
To live...
Hear the breathe
Feel the beat of a tepid
Heart
Here I lay my hand on my naked skin
Waiting?

Light filters into a room
Where I have waited to come alive
Lived too long broken
It hurts now to fix
This old break
I miss the world .
I
Miss
My
World
Even more
Hush...

I miss weeping willow tress
With branches to thin to climb
Where the broken
Hearted translucent eyes live
Childhood escapes
Dreams
Forever
I miss filling in the cracks in my lips
With prayers
Lust
Ah
Temptation

I have lived too long broken
Hurt pride
Skinned knees
Loose ends
Blue skies,
Blue water,
Depression...

Come find me...
Untamed hair no
Longer matching the thoughts
Fix me
If only
For a
Second

Tell me Love
Of your
Daydreams?
The nightmares
Alive....
Let me be the most
Adored page
A dear love letter
I would rather be owned
Than to
Disappear...

Come find me
My destitute of loneliness
Laced with
Forget
Me
Not’s
Come find me
In water running
red

the Broken Lullabies

The Scent Of Lilacs

2009-10-15T04:14:00.000-07:00

I remember

The apple doll woman

To whom I read the bible

With skin that felt like

Homemade play dough

Encased in worn pantyhose

Breath that crawled with death

And eyes that sifted though

My every thought

She

Told me to be careful who I dreamt of

Whose name I called

Because they will find their way

Even out of the dead…
She warned me
And when I felt the temptation

I thought Of Lilacs

And dandelion seeds

Arms out to my sides

Chasing warm summer air

To the tune of dancing music box innocence
I tried to listen

But here I am

No longer a child

Sitting in prayer position on my bed

Cold

Alone

Fumbling with the cross that

Has always covered my distended heart

Ants carrying the last hopeful bread crumbs

Out of my mind

Stars outside dimed by winters

Crawling breath…And I think of you
First your eyes

And I make a wish

On a fallen eye lash

For you to see

My adoration

I slide my tongue along

My teeth as if they

Belonged to you

To unlock the beautiful

Gilded mouth

Reach my hands out into

The dark

Electric

As if they could touch

Every part that

Would make you frail

Before me
She warned me…

But here

I sit

Alone

Tempted again…

Humming innocent music box

Melodies

Skin oiled with the scent of lilacs

Raising my night gown

Just enough to climb into your dreams

And I call outYour name…

The Secret Chord

2009-10-07T03:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Monsieur Morose

I waited for you

As you weaved your melodies

Of tragedy

Around my ponytails

I closed my eyes in anticipation of the things I would see

“Are you ready for the lullaby baby?”

Hark I hear the angels sing!

Teeth clenched

Heart raced

I would say...

Coddled in his arms

While scenes of decapitation

Violence

And so much

Blood...

It was never enough

Back To You

2009-10-07T02:58:00.000-07:00

I dreamt of you last night
Your long fingers
Over blades
Of dried grass
Eyes closed
You never saw the rain coming
Your contentment contagious
Inspiring…
But always so far away
I watched you as the wind picked
Up
But still you walked with
A steady
Rhythmic beat
A strong man
But I know you could always be
Weak in my arms
Eyes of a million stories
But only wanting one
I have waited
Here
Forever
For you
Watching
As you followed the scent Of paint
And the call
Of a broken heart.

The Secret Keeper

2009-10-07T02:49:00.000-07:00

I collect secrets,

Given freely and eagerly

To own

But I never share mine

Until now…
Lean in close

Place your ear to my lips

So as not to Let the words get

Twisted

Like a child’s game of telephone

Close your eyes

And I will cover your mouth

So I can’t

Read your expressions
It was about this time

My skin wet from the humid air

Standing knee deep in black water

As white stars winced their eyes at me

Bottles in my arms

With

Notes that read

“I am lost please find me”

Tossed with tears

That blended in to the

Silent

Night

Holy

Night…
It was about this time

I said a prayer

So vengeful

So beautiful in its brutality

God do you hear me now?

I asked…

Kissed my hand

That tasted of salt

And blew a kiss

Out with the meekly crawling tide

Hoping it would find its way

To?

Blue

2009-10-07T02:35:00.000-07:00

I have searched For you everywhere

Under spoiled sheets

Faced pressed against indifference

On cold windows

AndBetween thighs

Muffled pleas Of summertime pleasure

Hair wrapped like forget me not’s

Around disappearing middle names

And faded smiles

In dinner time light

I will love you forever

I knew how fleeting forever was

In my cold world

Without you
I searched

Everywhere

Believe this

In padded walls

And forgotten calls

Stained tea cups

And hushHush Baby…

Face first

Dark hair

And wet eyes

On heart beats

And rain days that hit the ground

Tick

Tap

Like words from that old

Fashioned Typewriter

I adored so much

Remember?

Under prayers

Quite and hateful

But always with

Bloody knuckled hope!

I would find

You
I would see you

Except within me

In dripping sunsets

That poured over my bitten fingers

And cool sweater nights

Just my blue solitude

And

Ah the stars!

They called me theOracle

Said I could read the

Toss and turningThoughts

They left behind

Closed

Doors

Like me…

I kept staring

Wondering

if they

Could see you

But they never did

I was only a

Mirror

A reflection

In a forever

Lost

Lonely

Lust filled

Sea

Because of you….
I lost you

As your mouth filled with

A million miles of gluttony

And dead end roads

But as your eyes closed

I stepped into your winters dreams

That fooled them all with the

Cold top layer

Skinny dipping

Smiling freely about

Where your warm water hits me

Circling around the subject

As always

I remember you covered my mouth

Saying A beautiful girlI should never speak of such

Ugly truths

And beautiful lies…

I have kept SilentTo protect you
I made you give me

Every secret

My ear placed to

Murmured words

My hand filling the spaces between…

You were my Pandora’s Box

My symphony of everything melancholy

You asked me how I could understand such tragedy

I nodded and

Said please go on

UntilYou were empty

And I was so full of it all

And you couldn’t look me in the eye

Cracks formed on your skin

And every time I touched you

Dust settled in my hands

Soon you would be gone

I was forever a reflection

Of who you didn’t want to be….
But

I Will forever look for you

In slow crawling black water

AndSand that runs too quickly

Though handsIn melodies

That

Tap

Tick

Like high notes on the piano

That I love Remember?

In shrinking summer time light

And you

My oracle

The only one that can read

My thoughts

I will Look

Always

Wrapped in my blue solitude

And

Ah the stars!

Girl

2009-10-07T02:26:00.000-07:00

I knew of a girl

WhoAlways took her secrets to bed.

Told secrets when she made love

Who whispered in the clutch of intimacy

Words that were never meant to be Spoken

To be let free

She would wait for the perfect moment of desire

When the brow creased

And the head tilted back

Body tense like wet marble

And Then

When she knew

The mind was lost in the delirium of desire

Would whisper the

Things that Only God should know

2009-10-07T02:18:00.000-07:00

The water is still Warm

As I reach down intoMy cold thoughts

I submerge myself under

and look up at My blurry

world

Hold my breath

for as long as I can

But it is never long enough

To take it all away

The thoughts that race

No one winsNo one finishes

I scrub my skin raw

Until the stains are almost gone

And I mask the scent of turpentine

With vanilla

Only a memory of today’s workLives under my fingernails

I close my eyes

And think about

Him

Because he owns those

Six feet under eyes

I stared at him much too long

As if I was reading his thoughts

Or was I just reciting my own

I repeated in my mind

Please smile back

Wishing he did

Hoping I would